Two years in the clear

Last Friday, I had one of my regular check-up appointments at the hospital and was thankfully given the all clear at the two year mark.

This might sound strange and a little ungrateful, but being told I'm in the clear doesn't immediately fill me with elation and make me want to celebrate. If I'm completely honest, it always feels a little... hollow.

I've blogged in the past about how anxious these appointments make me feel, and it takes me a long time to recover afterwards even if the outcome is positive. And, in addition to the lingering anxiety, there's always that small voice in my head that says, 'But things aren't positive, I'm still left with the impact of the cancer and the surgery and nothing will ever change that.' When that little voice gets louder and more vociferous, it's quite easy to slip into a pattern of feeling angry about the whole situation rather than focusing on the good news.

I've now progressed to annual appointments after being on six monthly appointments for the last year. Again, I've had lots of mixed feelings about this. Part of me is pleased because of the dread that sets in before these appointments, but another part of me likes the reassurance of being told by an expert that there's nothing sinister lurking around. I've also got ongoing appointments at the hospital about related issues which means I won't be able to enjoy a twelve month break away from the place in reality.

So, as you can see, there are currently lots of mixed feelings circling around in my brain and it can sometimes feel as if there's no room for anything else. That's probably a whole other blog post in itself.

Back when I had my first post-op check-up in January 2017, we started a tradition of going out for a nice meal after my appointments. Even if we don't feel as if 'celebrate' is quite the right word to use, it's always important to acknowledge good news, to enjoy the little things and to have something to look forward to. This time around, we decided to book a table at Penarth's Pier64. I'd never been before, but it came highly recommended from Neil and a few of our friends.

I put on a pretty new dress and my favourite burgundy accessories, and we headed to the restaurant by 7pm after a quick photo shoot with Jessie. 

We decided to go all out and order three courses... why ever not? In case you're wondering, I was VERY careful about rolling my sleeves up and not splashing food on my very white dress while I ate. 

I ordered deep fried cauliflower florets to start, sirloin steak with caramelised onions and red wine jus for my main, and lemon posset for dessert. The food was lovely, as was the general atmosphere and decor, and I'd definitely like to go back to Pier64 next time we're celebrating a special occasion. 

How do you 'celebrate' after difficult appointments or occasions? Let me know if you've got any tips on how to deal with the mixed feelings I've mentioned in this post...